Line in the Sand

Line in the Sand

What is it going to take for us to get serious about women getting murdered?

I don't have the answers but I hope raising some money for White Ribbon and also getting more personally involved in raising awareness will help in some way.

White Ribbon Day is this Friday (20^th November). A day to reflect on and raise money for an organisation trying to put a framework around an end to violence against women.

It has to stop.

A very good friend of my Mum's was murdered by her partner a few years ago. He decided to kill her and then himself. It left a family and extended circle of friends and acquaintances gutted, and asking ‘what could I have done to prevent this?’….and ‘if only I….’

So who do we blame? Do we blame her? Of course not. Sadly, we still look at the woman sometimes and say "Why did you get involved with him? Why didn’t you leave?" Or for those women that are attacked outside of their homes "Why was she walking home so late? Why did she put herself in that position?" - I have been guilty of these thoughts myself in the past.

Yes, sadly, there are precautions we can take. But let's not get away from the true problem: men who believe this behaviour is in some way justified. And the people around those men who perhaps don’t call out their concerns as loudly as they should. Of course not all men think this way. In fact, very few. But one is too many. So let's start to address the problem. Why do some men do bad things? Alcohol - Yes. Drugs - Yes. Mental Illness - Yes. Are they excuses? Of course not. Are they treatable? Yes.

What else is causing these attacks? Attitudes. Some men still feel like their jealousy, rage, anger, lust, etc has an acceptable outlet in violence or the threat of it. This is not acceptable. Intervention is needed at this point.

A lot of us have been hurt in relationships. We’ve had our hearts broken, people have said mean things to us. Some mothers have ended up with greater custody rights over children and fathers have had to deal with the associated loss and grief and hurt. I’m not about to defend imbalanced family court outcomes. I don’t envy anyone involved. Don't get me wrong. Men are equally capable breaking off relationships and hurting women emotionally. However, most hurt women don’t react with violence. Sadly, some men do.

So, how do we get a man to stop in the midst of impending violence and change? I am no psychologist. To prevent suicide (or at least allow the person to think twice) we place fencing up on bridges. We have Lifeline, Beyond Blue to call. What is available to a male if they are in the throes of committing an awful act? Maybe these services do exist but are they prominent enough? Do they have the funding they need? I personally wouldn’t know who to call.  What, as other members of the community, is available to us if we see a clearly 'unhinged' person capable of a heinous act. What tools do we have to talk them down?.....and further back, how do we educate our young men about violence towards women (and anyone)?

There needs to be a shift in how boys view what it means to be a “man”, and the importance of respect in their relationships with girls and women, from a young age. At the coalface, we need a shift in how we turn a seemingly violent aggressor to a phone line, a meditation, a chat with a friend. Without a shift, we will see Brunswick, Kew, Bundoora, Parkville, Carlton and Mernda (to name just a few) joined by other suburbs, infamous for heinous murders of women and the uneasy feeling you have when you drive or walk past the spot 'it' happened with your partner. Both of you thinking of the atrocity but unable to mention it.